I have two unfinished blog posts that I'll be pulling from, but a lot has happened in the past week or so. I have turned off my phone with the intention of actually getting through this one. (ADHD is real y'all)
So I went to mass on Sunday. It was my first time ever attending a mass as far as I remember. I was really nervous while I was waiting for S to get there. I'm still not entirely sure why I was so nervous, but when S asked I told her it was because I was really struggling with the idea of the Eucharist. Funny story- the entire service was centered around the Eucharist. Not just because that is the way Catholics do things, but like the scripture and the homily and the collect and EVERYthing was about the Eucharist. It was a feast day of some sort, so we went as far as to parade the little golden sun thing around the outside of the church. S was worried that was too weird and I would be deterred from coming back. Little does she know I went to super charismatic (like people(me) convulsing on the floor) church for a time my freshman year in college, so very little phases me.
So lets talk about mass as opposed to everything else I've ever experienced. In the Methodist churches I grew up in, the emphasis of the service was entirely on the preaching. Communion, if done, was just there. I never really understood it and it was never really explained. In more recent years, in the Episcopal church, the focus was more shifted towards the readings of the lectionary and the cross of Christ. I loved that. I loved actually reading passages from the bible- not just verses, whole passages! and I loved that there was a focal point to the service. When the cross would pass by, we would bow our heads. When we sang the doxology or professed the Nicene Creed, we faced the cross. It was there that I realized I was made for high church. In the baptist church I attend now, high importance is placed on personal reflection and music. Mass something entirely different altogether.
There was a lot of singing. not necessarily congregational singing, which still happened (sort of), but the priest did a lot of chanting, the psalm was sung (not quite in the way I imagined, but still), a lot of things were sung. I liked that. After taking my early music history course, I understand a lot about how the church formed music and music formed the church, and it was interesting to see that play out in real life.
But the service is entirely focused on the Eucharist. Since Catholics believe that the Eucharist is the actual body and blood of Jesus, and that when receiving communion you are drinking the blood and eating the flesh of actual living Jesus, it makes sense that they would base their rituals off this event. It's also a little weird, yes, but if we're being honest, I kinda like it. I've always found myself believing in the real presence of Christ in the Eucharist, despite being taught my whole life that it is only a symbol, so moving into transubstantiation land isn't as big of a deal as I originally thought it would be.
So when I told S that I was struggling with the Eucharist, I didn't mean I was struggling with the Eucharist itself, I'm having a hard time accepting the exclusivity of the Eucharist.
Before the Eucharist was administered, Fr. Daniel said that in order to take communion you must be "in a state of grace" which basically means you cannot have committed any mortal sins (and not confessed) and approach the altar. Further explained, you cannot have had premarital sex, participated in anything not heterosexual, had an abortion, (some go as far as to say supported abortion), or be remarried without having any previous marriages annulled, stuff like that. It bothers me that these things matter so much to the Catholic church. I had a pregnancy scare last summer and I considered abortion as an option, and honestly I like girls sometimes. I can understand abortion being a sin, and a grave one at that because of the churches belief that life begins at conception. Another issue is participating in homosexual acts- I know Paul actively speaks against it, I know all of the Christian arguments against homosexuality, and I understand them, I just really don't like them.
I find myself in a really strange position that I hate. I sometimes describe myself as a "bleeding heart liberal" and I have always argued that my faith informs my politics. I really want to be a sex-positive individual that promotes people doing what they want and being who they are. In a lot of ways, I think that is really good. I think to pass judgement on someone because of their sexual orientation, preferences, or practices is silly and out-dated and to make people feel as though they are less because of something that they feel is an integral part of who they are is dumb and against the teachings of Jesus. In a lot of ways, I don't think sex should be as big of a deal as we make it out to be.
But I'm coming to this point in the teachings of the church where their logic is really solid and I find myself *wince* agreeing with it. As a whole, what I'm finding about the Catholic church is that they have beliefs and logic and explanations for EVERYTHING. This is actually really awesome because you're not left to fend for yourself and theres always something new to learn about. This is also overwhelming, and a lot of people (including myself at first) believe that this stifles individual thought. What is interesting is that doubt and struggle seem to be really integral parts to having a Catholic faith and being a Catholic is saying that you are part of something much bigger than yourself. What I'm saying is that I don't at all feel oppressed, in fact, I feel encouraged to question.
Back to the whole sexuality/sex/abortion thing, what the church teaches about all these things is that sex is a really beautiful and powerful thing that God created for us. However, it was designed specifically and it has some guidelines. From my own experiences of sex outside of really any sort of relationship- It was really awkward and weird and I didn't feel safe or comfortable, and it had lasting affects on my mental health that I'm still dealing with. It was in search of pleasure, and it is a quick fix for intimacy that doesn't hold up outside of commitment and ended up tearing me apart. I have to believe that is not how God intended this gift to be experienced. As for sexuality, honestly I'm sitting here writing this and thinking, what's my point here? I do a lot of google searches about gay catholics, and I'm finding that Catholics who are gay have found surprisingly welcoming communities and have chosen to stay Catholic, stay Gay and just be celibate. They say that their pursuit of sexual pleasure is not worth risking the Eucharist. I find this both strange and impressive. I don't know how I feel about it yet, I don't know where I'm at, but to say that nothing, not even personal happiness is worth losing the Eucharist, is beautiful. Their views of marriage/remarriage fall here too. S explained her view of it to me, that she finds it beautiful that something that God has made or brought together (two people in marriage) can't be screwed up by humans. Marriage is a sacrament, after all.
Leading up to Sunday, I was feeling upset that I wouldn't be able to take the Eucharist. I mean as a baptized, professed believer, it should be my right, right? I was thinking about going to the Episcopal church to take communion at the 8AM service before mass at 10:30 just because I could. (That obviously didn't happen because sleep). But then I realized that if I really believe that the Eucharist is the actual body and blood of Jesus, like ACTUAL JESUS, then who am I to deserve it? Like seriously, when did Jesus become about me? And there's the whole mess about the mystery of transubstantiation and how that happens and if it happens the way Catholics say it does, then are other practicing denominations really experiencing the Eucharist? (yikes).
What I'm thinking is that okay, if I become Catholic, that means I willing submit myself and assent to their beliefs. Abortion is way wrong and any thing other than sex inside a committed heterosexual marriage is a perversion of the act and against God. Okay, if I get myself on board with that, does that mean that anyone else who does those things is wrong? I don't think it will ever be okay to impose your personal beliefs and practices on anyone else. I LOVE separation of church and state and think it is super important. So even if I assent to these teachings and become Catholic, I will still be pro-choice and pro-gay marriage, because those people are not me and we do not share the same beliefs and who am I to tell them they can't be happy/do what they need to-they need to make their own life choices.
Politics aside, these people would be excluded from the Eucharist and that is AWFUL. It's one thing for me to say about myself, I don't deserve Jesus, but I'm going to do everything I can to be in a "state of grace". Sure. But to say to someone else, "you screwed up so you don't deserve Jesus" is literally the worst thing and so heartbreaking. I was talking about this with S and she said that yes, it is extremely heartbreaking and it will never cease to be so. As much as that doesn't help, it helps.
Whether Catholic or not, to be an asshole is never acceptable. Love wins.
So there are my issues with the Eucharist. Someone asked me about Mary the other day, I said I think she is really cool and I totally love the intercession of Mary, but I haven't read that much about it yet, so I'm sure I will have more qualms later. :)
Always searching,
Andrea
